On Sunday, April 25th, we celebrated the miraculous work of the Lord at a Baptism Service at Redeemer. These services are a sweet reminder of what the Lord has done in the life of each follower of Jesus. The testimony below is from Sarah Lara.
I grew up going to church with my family every weekend. I was very confused as to what I should believe because of hearing unsound doctrine. Works, not faith, were emphasized as the way to heaven, not a relationship with God. Be a good person, pray every night, go to church every weekend, be silent, and always obey was the blueprint to follow. I grew to dislike God because of how I saw him presented. I was anxious to ask questions about religion or God because of the fear of someone knowing that I wasn’t saved. I found church to be very boring and thought it was a myth, but I did like to see my friends and have a way to relate to my family. My parents struggled with understanding American culture and how to raise three girls in a world that they were unfamiliar with. I felt like I had to hide all my struggles because they were no match to leaving a country, friends, and family behind, to start a new life in a place they did not know.
As a teenager, I started to idolize myself, my parents, and my future. I put the pressure on myself to do whatever it took to succeed by my own strength, which later resulted to being burnt out, confused, angry, and anxious. I never wanted to set aside my priorities to love others because I had no trust nor regard for people. Raised with the mentality to not be weak because this world was hard, and everyone struggles, caused me to bottle everything inside and lie to myself that I was ok. By the time I was in middle school, I had experienced mental, physical, and sexual abuse, and had to grieve for a close friend who was killed at 13. I remember at his funeral hearing about the goodness of God while surrounded by sad people. I thought to myself, all he did was walk home and someone killed him. He went to church, he was loving towards others, yet he was dead. I asked myself what kind of God would take away that kind of kid. Throughout my teen and young adult years, during every song, service, and activity, I pretended to blend in but in the inside asked what kind of God would permit …(fill in the blank). Despite my apathy towards God, I was involved in church, because of my friends, to make my parents proud, and to have something to do. I went to please myself not God. Despite my time at church, I never learned the facts nor heart of Jesus. I wore a mask of a Christian but underneath still did not believe.
When I left for college, I felt free of the obligation to attend church. At an organization fair, someone from the Baptist Student Ministry booth asked if I was a Christian. After saying yes, he offered me a bible trivia challenge with a candy prize to which I responded, “oh no, I am not that kind of Christian.” I am sure you can imagine his reaction. In the nicest way he invited me to a Thursday night bible study and worship night. The minute he gave me the flyer, I had already made up my mind that I was not going. That Thursday, I found myself depressed and alone, life was not going right. My new friends abounded me, and I felt like I did not belong at college. I went to my bed and Netflix to ignore my problems and my homework. I saw that flyer on my desk and had a nagging feeling to attend the Bible study. I tried to convince myself not to go but eventually got out of bed and left to the BSM night. Of course, I was late and the only seat available was in the front row. Walking in, I was greeted by a lot of smiling people who were happy to meet me, and I wondered what is wrong with these people and why do they smile so much. I sat there amazed that a room full of students actually wanted to be here, with no parents telling them to go. I rationalized that it should be easy to praise God when you grow up privileged and without big struggles. I thought they could never understand me, this was just another place where I had to adapt to their culture by acting to fit in. Once the teaching started, for the first time I truly heard the Gospel. After that, I had a desire to learn more.
Sadly, throughout my years in college, I was battling with wanting to learn about and know God but was held back by my own sin. Forgiveness was hard and even though I was involved in the BSM with other Christians, I was hurt by some. This caused me to leave and not go back. I did not know how, nor did I want to forgive people that hurt me. I struggled with pride because instead of humbling myself and learning how to love others, I wanted to prove others wrong and constantly outdo anyone and everyone. I had a heart for revenge and hatred instead of love and compassion. I hated hearing about a God so powerful and great, when I was struggling in a broken world filled with broken people that harmed others. Trusting in the Lord was very difficult, but despite it all, He continued to draw me in. After leaving the BSM, I still continued to go to Redeemer church and serve. I had to keep up the persona of being saved and finding my identity in Christ when in reality I had no idea what that actually meant.
After years of lying to everyone and myself that “everything is ok”, “I am fine”, “I don’t need help”, I finally fell apart. I was stressed and had a lot of anxiety that kept me from sleeping, had panic attacks, and self-harmed. Finally, I broke, I couldn’t keep it together anymore, my life was getting harder. One day, scrolling through Facebook, I saw someone who use to go to the BSM that was now at Southwestern Seminary asking if anyone needed biblical counseling. Many of you may not know that I went to secular counseling for a year and half and was then transferred to a counseling clinic that specifically handled sexual assault and abuse. I lived in constant fear but pretended to be fine because no one could know, especially my family. I buried myself in school to distract myself from my problems. I started to get sicker and suffer chronic pain; my stress and anxiety had finally built up to cause major mental and physical damage. I was put on a high dosage of anti-depressants to help calm my thoughts and although it numbed them, I still struggled. With a deep breath, I finally reached out to that person and got connected to one of her classmates for biblical counseling. God led me to Stephanie, not just a student studying biblical counseling but someone I could relate to and who became a close friend. I tried to hide the fact that I wasn’t saved, but she didn’t buy it and asked me to study 1st John, with a worksheet that included guiding questions to help evaluate if one has salvation.
Doing this activity not only made me acknowledge my lie of playing Christian but helped me realize I no longer wanted to live with my life’s weight on my own shoulders. I learned more about the Bible and who God truly was and how this broken world was broken not because of Him but because of our sin. There were a lot of people that caused pain in my past, but thankfully God also provided faithful and loving people in my life that reminded me of His love and goodness even at my worst times. This study was the culmination of many pieces in my life God used to change my heart. And on October 27th, 2020 at 2am in my room God called me and I responded confessing sin, praying for forgiveness, and asking for salvation. He welcomed me with opened arms, and for the first time I felt peace and calmness, not because my life would then be easy, but because I no longer have to live a life where I’m the only one trying to control everything, but rather I get to live a life by God’s will and trust in Him through any situation. I still at times struggle with my problems, anxiety, fear, but instead of running away and pretending that I am ok, I am led back to Christ and His goodness. Therefore, I am getting baptized today to confess before the church that I know Jesus took my sin to the cross and endured the wrath of God to save me. Not because of my works or anything I did but because of His justice, and the love, grace, and mercy He offers to all who would accept it.